Jan/Feb 2007

Peace Partiers

Could world leaders gone wild finally put an end to international conflict?

By Larry Maddry

There is simply too much bad stuff going on in the world, and nobody knows how to put an end to it...except me.

I mean, if we’re not hearing about kidnappings, beheadings or bombs exploding in tunnels, it’s fear of global warming and floods in the cities. People think that I am insensitive and self-centered, but I spent an entire night recently worrying about Iraq, Iran, and the total inability of nations in the Middle East (or elsewhere) to get along with one another.

Fortunately, I came up with a solution to the conflicts among nations at about 3 a.m., but only after hours of tossing and turning so vigorously that I bumped the cat off of the bed. Hold onto your seats because here it comes. Yes, it’s the first International World Leaders Stunt Night and Humor Expo.

What a great way to break the ice so that our friends and enemies around the world can meet and get to know one another without letting ideological differences become a barricade to goodwill!

And everybody would be invited!

Even North Korean President Kim Jong-il would be included. Just because a leader starves millions of citizens and enjoys blindfolding political enemies as he prepares them for the firing squad doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a sense of humor. Or that he doesn’t serve guests trick water-spilling glasses. Or get a kick out of personally planting whoopee cushions under seats at state dinners!

President Jong-il is probably one wild and crazy guy after a few drinks of wine—just the kind of person President Bush would enjoy spending time with once he got to know him. President Bush refuses to hold serious talks with Kim Jong-il until North Korea consents to nuclear disarmament. But there wouldn’t be any serious talk between leaders attending an International World Leaders Stunt Night and Humor Expo, natch.

And you know President Bush would find Jong-il’s free-wheeling impersonation of Mickey Mouse on his first date with Minnie a real knee slapper!

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is another invitee who would graciously accept an invite to IWLSN&HE. What a fun-loving guy! Remember how he showed up in a leisure suit at the United Nations? Such a party animal! With his steady grin and full crop of hair, he’s said to be quite the ladies’ man.

Our president doesn’t talk to him either. Remember how they both went out of their way to avoid each other at the UN last summer?

I don’t know what the Iranian President might provide in the way of entertainment—perhaps his impersonation of Sonny Buono on a leisure suit with beads around his neck and lots of rings on his fingers. I can see him dancing toward President Bush and singing “I Got You Babe” while clicking his fingers as Sonny did to Cher. It’s sure to bring down the house.

Another funny thing might be for French President Jacques Chirac to immediately follow Ahmadinejad onstage dressed in a teddy, black stockings and high heels singing his own version of the same song: “I Got EU (European Union) Babe.”

British Prime Minister Tony Blair—believed by most of his countrymen to be the president’s lap dog—would have it easy. All he would need is the dog costume.

But what could President Bush do? I don’t know. He’s such an amusing guy. Remember how—months after the invasion of Iraq—he was speaking to a group of reporters in his office, and they asked where the weapons of mass destruction were. Remember how he got down on his hands and knees under his desk and said, “Maybe they’re under here.” Talk about funny!

Maybe the president could give a speech about nuclear energy. His pronunciation of nuclear (new-kew-lur), with his Texas twang, is an obvious hoot. In fact, it’s nearly as amusing as President Gerald Ford, who had a devil of a time with the same word. He once gave a speech, mispronouncing the word “nuclear” twice and finally got it right. The audience was so pleased that it rose at once to give him a standing ovation.

I don’t want you out there standing to give me an ovation for coming up with the IWLSN&HE. But it’s something that has to happen. Because, as Quaker Oatmeal icon Wilfred Brumley used to say, “It’s the right thing to do.”