July/August 2004

You Might Be a Parent...

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy

by Joanna Enderlin

You might be a parent...

If you have ever picked a nose other than your own.

If you know more than one way to kill a monster.

If you fantasize about sleeping with your partner and you really mean sleeping.

If you can no longer remember your favorite rock band’s name because you have too many Disney songs taking up space in your head.

If you have spent more than $1,000 on Yu-Gi-Oh cards in the past year.

If you know what Yu-Gi-Oh cards are.

If you have ever butted in on an argument that went, “My bridge can eat your bridge.”

If you have sent your daughter to school wearing a ballerina dress and cowboy boots.

If you’ve stopped noticing you say “boloney glue” instead of “mayonnaise” at your house.

If you have ever felt murderous at a science fair because you, stupidly, believed the bit in the directions about how “the work should be done by the child.”

If you have driven across town to return a cheap pair of light-up sneakers because one doesn’t light up.

If you’ve caught yourself rethinking the “boys never hit girls” rule because a mean girl hit your sweet boy.

If your idea of a sit-down dinner is any dinner where you actually sit down.

If you’ve ever tasted baby food on purpose.

Or accidentally.

And kinda liked it.

If you have become impervious to wicked smells.

If your dreams for your child have changed from “grow up to be a doctor” to “grow up.”

If you have ever taken candy from a baby.

If all your fancy dresses are now in your daughter’s closet.

If seeing your son stuck in the outfield again brings tears to your eyes.

If you have a very convincing argument of why left field is the most important position in baseball.

If your feelings about boys in ballet changed once you had boys.

If you could not find an ink pen if your life depended on it.

If you’ve ever taken deep, cleansing breaths before explaining to your wee one that an entire roll of postage stamps is not the same thing as stickers.

If you have ever tasted mud pie.

If you’ve ever lost a game of chess and could not be happier about it.

Or an arm-wrestling contest.

Or a spelling bee, foot race or poker game.

If no one in your household over four feet tall can defrag the computer.

If your children have more money in their savings account than you do.

If all your vacations are planned around theme parks.

If you have ever fallen for, “I’ll take care of him. I promise!.”

If you have ever brushed teeth other than your own.

If you catch yourself still rocking after the baby is down.

If all your diets fail because you spend the majority of your life in the kitchen.

If you have ever applauded a bowel movement.

If your car buying decisions are based on keeping the children safe-from each other.

If you automatically cut everyone’s meat at the table into tiny pieces.

If you’ve ever said, “How the hell do you grade ‘Art’ anyway?” on report card day.

If your child’s singing first thing in the morning is the sweetest sound you’ve ever heard.

If your child’s singing continues to dinnertime and leads you to consider suicide.

If everyone in the house wants to talk to you the minute you pick up the phone.

If you find childbirth stories fascinating.

If you have ever screamed the words, “Stop screaming!”

If seeing the school’s phone number on the caller ID makes your heart stop cold.

If the farther away from home you get, the less capable the babysitter seems.

If you are counting the days until your youngest is finally out of a car seat.

If you suddenly feel sick realizing how much you’ve spent on Hot Wheels over the years.

If you know what “string cheese” is.

If you refer to your child’s security blanket as a “him.”

If South Park is your after-hours-bedroom-door-locked guilty pleasure.

If you can read entire books to your wee ones without even looking at the pages.

If you know more than a dozen “knock-knock” jokes.

If you’ve had to resist the urge to kill men who comment on your daughter’s future heart-breaking potential.

If you take war and the ruin of the environment and such things personally because you are trying to raise kids here.

If you can sleep standing up next to a baby’s crib.

If a bouquet of dandelions adorns your dinner table.

If it’s been years since you went to the bathroom by yourself.

If it took a 10-year-old one minute to answer a question that has been puzzling you all your life. Dinosaurs were around before chickens so, technically, the egg came before the chicken.

If the smell of baby shampoo evokes a surge of pure love.

If you can change a diaper on an airplane.

If you have ever had to resist the urge to throw a rock through the window of a car speeding down your block.

If you have added Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny to your résumé.

If you have ever crawled into bed completely exhausted from trying to be the best parent you can be, only to promise yourself to do better tomorrowÑyou just might be a parent.

For the rest of this story, you can order the July/August 2004 issue of Hampton Roads Magazine.